


Hell If I Know

by Rosesandrecords (orphan_account)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Demon!Dave, M/M, Pepsicola, dead!John, everybody is demons, johndave - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-11 19:31:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5639323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Rosesandrecords
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John Egbert is one of the many souls passing through the process known as death. He always thought he was a good person, but apparently not, because somehow he's ended up in hell. It's not what he always imagined. The demons are weirdly attractive and all the souls keep giving him weird looks. Seriously, why are they looking at him like that?</p><p>(Will probably never be finished).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hell If I Know

_Screeching tires. The crash of metal on metal and shattering glass. Seatbelts straining against a jolt, an explosion of white. A heartbeat. A silence._

_“Dead on impact.”_

John’s vision was blurry. Everything was an indistinct reddish form before his bleary eyes. Where were his glasses?

He blinked, and he could see again. He didn't remember putting on his glasses, but he must have. Maybe his memory had been damaged in the crash.

 _The crash._

John looked around, turning on the spot. This wasn't where he had been when he blacked out. It sure wasn't a hospital, either. He stood in what seemed to be a vast desert landscape, populated with red rocks and dusty sand. And he was all alone. His breath was the only sound and movement for miles.

He supposed he should be concentrating on gratitude that he had survived, but since he had, and there was no one to ask what had happened, his mind turned to other things. How had he gotten here? 

John looked around again and nearly jumped out of his skin. In the time his back was turned, a boy had silently appeared behind him. 

He was a bit taller than John, with a stronger build. His blond hair was swept to the side, resting atop a pair of aviators. He wore a plain gray t-shirt and carried a clipboard under his arm. John had to admit, he was stunningly attractive. 

“Uh, hi,” John said awkwardly. “This might sound a little weird, but, can you tell me where I am?”

There hadn't been a boulder there before, had there? There was one now, and the boy was sitting on it with his legs crossed.

“Why don't we start with what you remember. Who are you?”

Of course, he’d forgotten to introduce himself. “My name’s John. John Egbert. Um… I can't remember how I got here.” John furrowed his brow. “The last thing I know is that I was in a car crash. Then I just woke up and I didn’t know where I was.”

The boy scribbled something on his clipboard. “Okay. Did you get hurt?”

John shook his head. “I don't think so. I mean, I don't feel like I did.”

“Dead on arrival,” the boy mumbled, scribbling some more. He set down the clipboard and looked at John. (Or, John assumed he did. The glasses made it hard to tell.)

“I've got something to tell you.” The boy laced his fingers under his chin. “I hate to break it to you, but you're dead.”

John cocked his head. “No way. If I’m dead, how am I here talking to you?”

The boy shrugged. “Welcome to the afterlife, pal.”

John huffed, prepared to make a new argument. But… 

None of it made sense. How _had_ he woken up in such a strange place? He was sure no one would've taken him into the middle of a desert after a crash like the one he’d been in. A hospital, yes. A friend’s house, possibly. Death Valley? Never. 

The only way it would make sense would be if he was, in fact, dead. 

It was rational to believe that he had died. But... he didn't need it to be rational, because he didn't want to be dead, god damn it!

“I can't have d... There’s no way that happened! I'm only nineteen,” he said angrily. “I've got my whole life left! I can't just die now!”

“Okay. Maybe that'd be a valid argument, if you could appeal for reincarnation. But you can't. You’re in the wrong department. I hate to bring all the shitty news, but look around.” The boy gestured to the surrounding desert. “Does this look like fluffy clouds and angels singing to you?”

John’s eyes widened in horror. “Wait, you don't mean…”

The blond nodded. “You're in hell, dude.”

This news didn't upset John as much as it probably should have. It was difficult to be miserable when the land of eternal torment… actually didn't seem that bad.

John cautiously took a seat next to the mysterious boy. “Where's the fire and brimstone?”

“Further in. This is only the first circle, so it's pretty tame. You can't have been that bad in life if you only ended up here.”

“So, there are other people around here, somewhere?” It didn't seem like it. “Oh! I forgot. What's your name?”

“My name’s--” the boy let out a series of piercing shrieks, pierced by throaty, inhuman growls. 

“Okay, I, um. I don't know if I can pronounce that. Do you have a nickname?” John said hopefully.

The boy laughed sharply. “Nah, I'm just fucking with you. My name’s Dave.”

“Good. That's a lot easier to pronounce,” John said, relieved. “So, are there other people here?”

“Oh, yeah. Hundreds of thousands. But they're all far away. This place is a lot of things, but small ain't one of them.” Dave slid his sunglasses off and clicked them shut, clipping them onto the neck of his shirt. John startled. His eyes, when not hidden by the thick black shades, were a vicious scarlet.

Dave grinned, his incisors much too sharp. “What, you shocked?” 

John shook his head silently. This was hell. He shouldn't be surprised by anything. But it was a bit unsettling to see a pair of blood red eyes staring back at him. “So… are you some kind of demon, then?”

“Yeah, a lesser one. Wait ‘till you see the tail. So tell me, John,” Dave sat back on another boulder, which had suddenly appeared. “What'd you do to end up here?”

“I don't know, actually,” John confessed. “Is not being religious enough to do it?”

“Nah. The big man doesn't really give a damn if you don’t believe. Hmm… Ever killed a man?”

“Of course not!” John said, shocked.

“Killed at all?”

“Definitely not.”

“Stolen?”

“I think I took a lollipop from a corner store when I was a kid, but that can't count, can it?”

“Nah…” Dave pondered a moment.

“Cheated on a partner, or led a life of lust?” he said finally. 

John blushed. “Um, no.”

Dave smirked. “Ooh. You're a virgin, aren't you?”

“There's nothing wrong with that!” John defended himself.

“Were you a greedy person? Or, hmm… you don't look like the sloth type. Not gluttony, either. Were you super pretentious or something?” Dave snapped his fingers and pointed at John. “Or were you an envy kind of guy?”

John shook his head. “I don't think so.”

Dave cursed. “Damn, I’ve usually figured it out by now. Dude, why the hell are you even here? You're downright christian.”

John shrugged helplessly. “How should I know?”

“Man, you've got it tough. Unless you committed some major sin you haven't told me about, it almost seems like you shouldn't be here at all.”

“Maybe someone's got it out for me. Hey!” John said suddenly. “You said people could appeal for reincarnation? Does that mean there's like, demon government?”

Dave snorted. “Yeah, you could call it that. But only the people upstairs can get reincarnated. Down here you can only become a ghost or demon or something. And you have to have been bad enough in your lifetime to earn it.”

“I hope I was bad enough to be a ghost,” John grinned.

“Why, you got somebody to haunt?”

John shook his head happily. “Nah, man. I just really love Ghostbusters.”

Dave just looked at him. Then he broke out into peals of laughter. 

“Holy shit. You are seriously too dorky to be in hell.”

“What? Ghostbusters is the shit!”

“No, I…” Dave hesitated. “I don't know. I can see your soul. I can see anyone’s who comes down here. Yours is different, even talking to you feels different. It’s almost like you’re… pure.”

“Maybe I should talk to this demon government,” John considered.

Dave shook his head. “If you went up to those guys and said you were in the wrong place, they'd laugh you out the door. How many times a day do you think they get that one? But this _is_ pretty strange… You are.”

John held his breath. 

Dave sighed and pulled a phone out of thin air. He pressed a few buttons and held it to his ear.

“Hey, Rose?... Yeah, I’m gonna need you to fill in for me… Weird shit, dude. I’ll tell you later. Thanks.”

The phone disappeared. Dave looked at John.

“Looks like we’re paying a visit to the demon government.”

“Oh, wow! Cool!” John exclaimed. “Thanks!”

“Yeah, don't mention it. I don’t make a habit of kind gestures, and I don't give favors to just anyone. Your purity vibes are throwing me off, is all.” 

“Thanks anyway.” John hopped off the rock and stood up. “So, which way to the evil business district?”

“Just follow me.” Dave waved a hand and slid off the rock after John, which promptly disappeared. John did a double-take when the demon turned around. He did indeed have a long forked tail, as well as a pair of small, batlike wings folded along his shoulderblades. 

“Can you fly?” said John, open-mouthed. Dave lazily flapped his wings a few times.

“Nope. I just kind of,” he vanished, “do this.” He reappeared a few feet away. “The wings are just decoration.”

John was a little disappointed. “So we do have to walk, then.”

“Yeah. It'll take a while. Hope you're good at making conversation.”

“I could tell you about Ghostbusters!”

“Nevermind, you are absolutely fucking not directing this conversation. You know what, you probably got sent here for annoying people with your nerdy antics all the time, didn’t you?”

John stopped walking. “Hey, I have a question. You… You don't actually go to hell for being gay, do you?”

Dave snickered. “Oh, the recently deceased. You're all open books. No, you don't get the boot out of heaven if you’ve got a taste for dick.”

John decided it wasn't worth it to argue over Dave’s wording. “Oh. Okay. I guess it was something else, then,” he mumbled. What on earth had he done wrong? He didn’t feel like a bad person. But it didn't matter. He was on his way to fix this.

“Yeah. Hey! There's an idea!” Dave snapped. “I'm gonna guess your sin. Did you ever get in legal trouble?”

John sighed. “Again, no.”

“Were you, perhaps, a Trump supporter?”

 _”Fuck_ no.”

“Just checking.”

Dave’s wings swayed ever so slightly in the movement of his step, and John watched in fascination. Dave, noticing this, folded them more tightly as he walked.

“How did you become a demon? You said it’s a process, right?” John asked.

Dave nodded. “It’s kind of like a promotion. The badder you were, the more powerful you can get. There’s a kind of hierarchy; first you’re a deceased soul, then you can be a ghost, then a poltergeist, and then you start on types of demons.”

“What type are you?” John said curiously. Dave shrugged. Shrugs and nods appeared to be his go-to mannerisms.

“Just your run-of-the-mill. I wasn’t _that_ bad a person.”

“What about punishment, though?” John said thoughtfully. “Do demons get that?”

“Nope. You either get eternal torture or you get recruited and cause the torture. There’s a selection process, though, otherwise everyone would opt for demonship.” 

“I wouldn’t expect hell to be so… organized.”

“It didn’t use to be. It used to be one hundred percent fire and brimstone, and only fallen angels to look after all the souls. Terrible management. But we got some new higher-ups a few centuries ago and now it’s running more smoothly.”

John giggled. “The afterlife is so weird. Like, what even is this?”

Dave grinned at him. “Don’t get existential, you sound high.”

“Really, though,” John persisted. “I mean, it’s like a big business. And you’re all little workers for the C.E.O., Sa--”

“Don’t say the name,” Dave warned. “Names have power around here.”

John shut his mouth. “Oops. Hey, how do they select demons? What do you have to do to get picked?”

Dave looked away. His expression was strangely blank. “Again, it’s not what you do. It’s what you’ve done.”

“What--”

“Remember what I said about you not directing the conversation? You ask more questions than you should.”

John pouted. “I’m just getting used to my new home.”

Dave glared at him. Those red eyes were so intimidating. “John. I’m literally a being of pure destruction, so I’d advise you not to piss me off. Got it?”

John nodded. Dave seemed a little less friendly than before. He must have said something wrong. 

They walked in silence.

**Author's Note:**

> idk how far I want to take this story so please let me know if you like it!


End file.
